You Can't Make This Shit Up (Barbara Passolt and Bruce Jennings)

Lyrics

MATILDA:
BACK BEFORE I MET MY NO GOOD HUSBAND
I WAS WORKING AS A LEGAL CLERK
HELPING WITH THE CASE INVESTIGATIONS
SO IT WASN'T VERY HARD TO FIND THIS JERK 
JUST ONE AFTERNOON AT THE LIBRARY
SURFING ON THE PUBLIC INTERNET
I FINALLY HAVE A NAME FOR MR. BIG

ELDER:
DID YOU FIND SOME DIRT?

MATILDA:
OH MAN, YOU BET

YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP
SOMETIMES TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION
THE MAN IS A TROPHY SLUT
A PILLAR OF HUMAN DERELICTION
YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP
  BUT ON CLOSER EXAMINATION 
THE MOST UNLIKELY SITUATION 
IS COMING INTO VIEW 

HE GOES BY THE NAME OF MR WHITE
AND GET THIS, HIS WIFE IS NAMED LILLY
BACK IN THE 80S HE INHERITED SOME HOMES 
ON SE 12TH NEAR TENT CITY.
COURTNEY WAS BORN IN ONE OF THOSE HOMES; 
HER MOTHER, CORRINA, WAS JUST 15.
THAT'S WHY SHE FEELS SUCH A SENSE OF PLACE AT CAMP

ELDER:
I'LL BE DAMNED. I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN. 

MATILDA:
YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP 
GUESS WHO CAME BY FOR RENT COLLECTION 
AT THE FIRST OF EVERY MONTH
COURTNEY'S MOM, CORRINA, WAS THE MAIN ATTRACTION. 
YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP
BUT ON CLOSER EXAMINATION 
THE MOST UNLIKELY SITUATION  IS COMING INTO VIEW. 

THEN ONE DAY WHEN THE RENT WAS LATE
IT WAS DISCOVERED CORRINA WAS TOO. 
WHEN SHE STARTED TO SHOW,
  EVERYONE WANTED TO KNOW 
WHO WAS THE FATHER?
NO ONE HAD A CLUE. 

A DEED FOR THE HOME WAS ISSUED TO THE FAMILY
PROBABLY TO KEEP THINGS OUT OF COURT. 
THEN GRANDMA DIED LEAVING CORRINA AND BABY COURTNEY 
WITH NO MEANS OF SUPPORT.
  THE HOOD TO COAST FREEWAY PLAN GAVE THE HOUSE 
TO THE CITY OF PORTLAND UNDER EMINENT DOMAIN
WHEN FREEWAY PLAN WAS SCRUBBED THE LAND WENT BACK 
TO THE PREVIOUS OWNER AND THERE IT REMAINS

YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP
SOMETIMES TRUTH IS STRANGER THAN FICTION
THE MAN IS A TROPHY SLUT
A PILLAR OF HUMAN DERELICTION
YOU CAN'T MAKE THIS SHIT UP
  BUT ON CLOSER EXAMINATION 
THE MOST UNLIKELY SITUATION 
IS COMING INTO VIEW 

MATILDA AND ELDER:
MR. BIG IS COURTNEY'S DAD!